Dude, I’m in. With the news that Microsoft isback to the negotiating table to buy Yahoo (with CarlIcahn and Googlewaiting in the wings for a piece, and the ill-fatedAOL talks still fresh in our memory), I’d like to announce my intention toacquire Yahoo. The details are still hazy and the financials are tough; itwould probably have to be a on a swap of stock for impatience, or some othernon-monetary basis, but with the rest of the known universe pursuing this, Ifigure that I’ve got as good a shot as anyone. See you at the press conference.

A couple weekends ago, I attended the EDS Byron Nelson Championship.  I know what you are thinking, how does a programmer have time to attend a PGA golf tournament?  Well, we will leave that for another time.  But spending the past 10 years in one internet capacity or the other, one thing I have learned, or, at least have had pounded into my skull is that spammers are totally evil.

What I didn’t realize is the rules that apply to our industry do not apply to the rest of the world.  From the second I walked into the TPC Four Seasons Resort in Irving, Texas, I was bombarded by vendors and other advertisers handing me pamphlets, asking me to sign up for a credit card or drawing, or beckoning me over to endless booths of people grabbing your arm to come check out their latest product (99% of which had nothing to do with golf).  Here I am, going to check out a golf tournament with some friends and getting physically spammed.  It’s bad enough that I have to wade through a virtual sewer of unwanted erection-pill spam to get to the email I want to read, but I can’t even cruise a golf tournament without being piled high with flyers and trinkets  for crap I will never sign up for in a million years. 

After I walked about 200 yards, I was finally able to see the first hole.  But by this time, I had a handful of paper spam and needed to offload it.  Thankfully, there was a Junk folder nearby (the nearest trashcan).  Not surprisingly, the Junk Folder was very full—not with beer cups or plates, but with a hundred copies of all the garbage in my hands.

I’m thinking there should be some process to just move all physical spam directly to the Junk Folder.   Can we get some legislation on this?  Is there someone in Congress I can contact?  Or is it up to us, like with networks, to filter this spam or set up spam blockers?  I am thinking of bringing a few football linemen with me next time.

I know that as marketers, we try advertising without being obnoxious.  And at golf tournaments there is plenty of advertising to go around with sponsors, banners, the golfers.   Am I alone on this?  Is there really a need for these spammers to ruin what would be a nice event with “legitimate” advertising?

Do you ever just find yourself falling short? I try so hard sometime to keep up the appearance of being cool, collected, in-the-know or at least showered. It seems that the majority of these efforts go in the gutter the second I have some sort of client involvement.

I’d like to say becoming unintentionally disheveled is limited to a couple of mishaps during my travels last week, but that would be lying.   My history of client-related oopses is long and storied.

The spills began with my first Range meeting.  Imagine, if you can, me as a fledgling account specialist. I’m young, new, unsure, wobbly and totally not cool. I’m nervous, I have no idea what to wear, the client is huge, and also, did I mention I’m nervous? So I try not to muck it up.  I keep my FIRST EVER MEETING outfit simple, hoping that my black skirt and heels will keep the white-hot glares of imagined criticism to a minimum.  And once I’m dressed, I think I look Professional, and people who look Professional don’t do things like busting ass down a flight of stairs, tumbling forward in a skirt or crashing spectacularly into the entryway of an office-park deli.   Which, of course, is exactly what happened.

This would be the first of many such blunders, always trying to put my best foot forward, inevitably walking in with mustard on my shirt.

Flash forward a few years later.  It’s a meeting with the same client, but by now, I’m leading this one. I’ve met with the big wigs numerous times, presented information, knocked ‘em dead, etc. The very last time I was there our meeting was held in the official corporate “conference room”. The table, I kid you not, was and is the biggest I’ve seen to date. Easily 200 yards in length, solid marble. There was so much technology in that room it was absurd. Remotes to raise blinds, switches to turn on switches—I felt like I was in the Batcave. So there I am, presenting away to a bunch of people who are new to our side of the business, and needless to say, I need to make a strong impression. Slide 16 speaks to this, slide 17 speaks to that, slide 18 has “sharts”. That’s what I said, out loud to 20 people, 15 of whom did not know me. Meeting black out ensued.

Cursed is probably a little dramatic, so I’ll just say that I’m a little accident-prone.  Which brings us to my recent meetings with two new clients.

I Traveled last week and met with some clients. One gentleman who I was introduced to informs me that he is from Denmark, to which I quip back, “Oh, you’re Dutch.”

Him: “No, I’m from Denmark, I’m Danish”

Me: “Oh – Right. I knew that”

Meal continues, conversations span the galaxy, approximately two hours pass. The check is brought to the table when said gentleman offers to help pay, saying – “Let’s go Dutch?”

Me: “Wow, you guys say that too, even though you are Dutch?”

Him: I’M NOT DUTCH – I’M DANISH

Me: Thinking….I’m never going to win Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit or even be able to help my child in geography.

Finally, on the same trip, I had a few more meetings, all of which required a certain dress decorum. I wore new shoes for approximately 30 minutes before they had given me giant, painful, hellish blisters on my feet. We still had quite a bit of walking to do. Fortunately my friend/co-worker had some emergency band aids stashed in his backpack. Between meetings we escaped to a McDonalds for coffee and first aid. I get the band aids fashioned on – which, I might add, is an attractive thing to do in a restaurant full of casually clothed people when you’re dressed up and slapping adhesives on your feet. Band aids on and we go into the next meeting. Of course, the band aids have done nothing to alleviate the pain from walking on giant blisters.  Walking into the meeting, I casually look down at my poor feet and realize that the band aids are now hanging out my shoes. And I’m walking through an office where the people are dressed better than I could even imagine dressing like on my best day and I have band aids flapping around like a pair of old, bloody pricetags. Pretending that I’m a still a class act (or maybe just invisible) I yank the band aids out and shove them in my purse.

And then I walk the rest of the way gritting my teeth, realizing that I really shouldn't be surprised.  In an effort to make me feel less alone, I ask you this:  what meeting malfunctions have you had? 

So anyway, as another week goes by without a new episode of Lost, I'm left with my imagination running wild, pondering the possibilities of what I'll see when the show returns on the 24th.  Is the Temple another station or does it have something to do with the statue?  Why did Michael get a haircut?  Will they have written Walt's apparent sprint from whiny, obdurate ten-year old to morose, scowly teenager as a function of the Island's peculiar temporal effects?  And what brand will exclusively hold my attention during the story breaks?

See, I don't have cable, and while my TV has rabbit ears, for whatever reason, it can’t nab an ABC signal that doesn’t make my TV look haunted.  So I watch Lost on ABC.com.

You might think that watching TV on a laptop’s monitor kind of sucks, and if you’re used to the expansive grandeur of a 52” plasma screen, then yeah, TV on a laptop monitor is probably disappointing.  But my TV still has a tube, and it’s small, so I don’t care.  Plus, I don’t have to sit through so many commercials.

Ah yes.  TV commercials.  You know, the things you sit through the Super Bowl for?  Well, for the most part, I hate them.  Okay, so the recent Pontiac one is pretty awesome, but that’s only because it incorporates Spy Hunter, the arcade classic that taught me how to drive.  I understand that if not for TV commercials and their precious, network-exec-salary-paying dollars, we wouldn’t have shows such as Lost¹.  So I guess I tolerate them, but only barely.  After all, I don’t need a Cialis or McDonald’s ad to mark the appearance of a major plot point.  I can figure those out on my own.  Moreover, I don’t need Cialis or McDonald’s.  In fact, rather than making a connection with me, they are instead building a brand association with narrative interference.  Or, I guess, trips to the kitchen or the bathroom.  This is probably not an original thought, but when I hear the phrase “I’m lovin’ it,” I am reminded not of glistening, sculpted McMeat, but of the Triskits in my kitchen or the Charmin in my bathroom.  That and the fact that it will be another four minutes and thirty seconds before I find out why Sayid is playing golf and flat-ironing his hair.  And that really sucks.

But thank the maker² for streaming video.  When you watch Lost, or The Office, or I guess, Buck Rogers³ online, you only have to tolerate a single brand pestering you a handful of times, for a measily 30 seconds.  This is waaaaay better than breaking up the show into 8-minute blocks surrounding five intrusive minutes of various products I will refuse to buy out of spite.  So I’m okay with Honda sponsoring an online episode of Lost.  It doesn’t necessarily make me want to go out and buy the new Accord, but I appreciate that their interference is minimal and strangely polite.  If this is a sustainable model for televised content, then it’s okay by me.  It certainly works well online.

¹Nor would we have shows such as Two and Half Men or According to Jim, which is less of an argument against TV ad dollars as it is an argument against TV.

²If you got this reference, I'm sorry for both of us.  Also , would you be able to run a game of D&D on Friday night?

³If you recently read about Hulu.com in Entertainment Weekly, probably. 

It still amazes/frustrates/baffles/confuses me how hard online agencies and marketers have to fight for even the smallest of budgets. That’s not to say we shouldn’t have to make a case for why we need an extra hundred thousand dollars here, or million there, but whenever I see ads like the one below (whose production costs alone probably top the entire annual online marketing budget), it still baffles me. And because I am in a pensive mood, it also makes me begin to question why we all work so hard for such a small piece of the marketing pie. Is it because we all have just a slight slant of masochism in us? Are we just stupid? Maybe we all truly care about our clients and really believe we can convince them to stop wasting their money on raps about cable television packages? I truly hope it is the latter - otherwise a lot of us need to sit down and reconsider our lives.

I mean, really? This is what people want to spend tons of money on?

Remember V?  You know, the 1983 NBC miniseries about an alien invasion?  Starring the guy from The Beastmaster?  Not ringing a bell?  Well, V was about the Visitors, a race of old-people-sunglasses-wearing aliens who come to Earth, park their flying saucers over major cities¹ and sheepishly ask for humanity to help them save their dying planet.  In exchange, they offer to share their amazing technology, crimson wardrobe and stunning, early-'80s glamor.  All is well until The Beastmaster, employed here as a TV cameraman, catches them eating live mice.²  While the aliens' diet is merely off-putting, their true intentions (global conquest!  using people for food!!) are cause for serious alarm.  And also, they have lizard faces underneath their human disguises, and that's pretty gross.  I'd long since put V's lesson of be-wary-of-powerful-entities-swearing-they-mean-no-harm out of my head until Wednesday, when Tom Phillips announced Google's SEM intentions following the offical closing of the DREADED DOUBLECLICK PURCHASE(!).  If you missed this, basically, the Doubleclick deal is done, and Google has further tightened its primary-colored fingers around SEM.  Or not.  According to Phillips' Wednesday afternoon post to the Googleblog, the search giant's³ Doubleclick intentions are not as nefarious as everyone feared.  So what, exactly, is Google planning to do with the SEM side of its shiny new toy?

First of all, it's selling Performics SEM, the search agency side of Doubleclick to a third party.  A lot of agency-types heaved sighs of relief at the expected (though unconfirmed) news that Google won't be pushing them out of business.  Not like this, anyway.  Secondly, the engine is also integrating Performics Affiliate into its product line.  While most of the articles talking about these shuffles haven't really highlighted this facet of the Doubleclick deal, from an affiliate's perspective, this is pretty intriguing, and by intriguing, I mean terrifying.  If you're an affiliate, your competition is now a lot bigger and stronger.  Of course, if you're a publisher, this is akin to winning the big prize on a scratch-off ticket, since SEM integration will likely get a lot easier. 

I think what's going on here is that Google has found a way to spread its revenue around should paid clicks continue their alleged slow down.  Instead of conquering the proverbial world, perhaps Google is preparing for the possibility that its planet may be in peril.  On the other hand, the moves add a whole new level to Google's commercial presence.  It already wields Google Product Search and offers shopping cart technology in its ads, but now it has direct access to major advertisers on a new part of the business.  Never mind that it now has tons of traffic-hungry affiliate marketers right in the palm of its hand.  If these guys aren't running AdSense, already, you can bet they'll be registering for it now. 

Obviously, Google has no intention of subjugating the earth and eating people,⁴ and selling Performics appears to be a gesture of good faith.  However, it will be interesting to see what happens across the affiliate landscape.  My advice?  Watch the skies, and look out if you see Larry and Sergey donning red jumpsuits.

¹This plot device would be aped thirteen years later in a bigger, louder, crappier movie that suggested, among other absurdities, that an alien species able to master interstellar travel could be bested by Jeff Goldblum and a Powerbook 5300.

²Incidentally, in light of his affinity for animals, I'm going to assume The Beastmaster is a vegan.

³Googleliath?

⁴As far as you know.

Growing up my two favorite movies had a common theme. They were both from Disney and starred Hailey Mills. The Parent Trap made me wish I had a twin sister!  A twin sister that I was kept away from! And that our parents got divorced! And we could scheme to get them back together again! And make dad’s shrew of a girlfriend run for her life on a camping trip!! Pollyanna? Don’t you think for a minute that I didn’t long for crystals to hang in my house and a rascally little boy sidekick!  

Man that would’ve been great.

In real life I have one sister who is my twin separated by 13 years and our parents still love each other. I had a house (no crystals!) and a brother but he wasn’t a sidekick. He broke my arm. That would have made a terribly boring movie.

Fast forward, and now I’m a parent of a 9-year-old girl. She is lovely and funny and sloppy and sometimes a bit arrogant. She is not perfect, but she is perfectly mine. Her media consumption is exactly like what those research firms say it is. She’s online, watching TV, talking on the phone and playing a video game all at the same time. Her network affiliations are Nick and Disney. And as the protector of her little soul, I’m at a real crossroads.

Oh it started out rather subtlety. On some of the shows, the characters would say, “Oh my God!”  I was brought up to not say this; my daughter has been brought up to not say this. And really, why did the writers include it on kids programming? Does it really provide that much more? She and I discussed it, how it wasn’t what we believed was right, wouldn’t ever use it as a casual exclamation mark and moved on. Then came those cute little Vanessa Hudgens pictures all over the internet.  Disney’s reaction?  High School Musical 3 October 2008 starring Miss. Naked Text Pix herself.  Guess how often my daughter “Googles” something… say like the name of stars in movies she likes? ABOUT 10 MILLION TIMES A DAY.  Then another character from the show got a nose job. See? At this point it’s so inconsequential I should have written it in a smaller font. The final bombshell that dropped and forced my hand: The knocking up of 15-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears. On every newsstand, news show, website, blog. This story ends with Jamie Lynn keeping her show, getting another season and a Hollywood baby bump! So very in style these days.

This is what gets me – We had to talk about it. I had to talk to my daughter about 15 years old getting pregnant. Turns out she wasn’t super clued in on this yet and I was OK with that. “Really, mom? 15 years old have babies?” “Yes, honey.  But they’re not very good at it.”

What can I do? I have to show her that this is not alright, that there is responsibility to be held. I know kids make mistakes and do dumb things. That’s why I would never put mine out in the public. It’s hard enough to walk into junior high when you’ve kissed the wrong boy, but imagine it on a national level? Who does that to their kids? Anyway, I digress. My only recourse is to no longer support those networks. Andie, you love TV, I love TV but we have to break up with Nick & Disney. They’ve totally skanked out.

This isn’t easy on me either Nick/Disney – I’m hurting too you know.

I mean, doesn’t it seem obvious that these companies would work harder to maintain their image? Or maybe they don’t have to. They are kids. Little kids. Little kids who really like Spongebob. Little kids who really like Spongebob and don’t understand how it all works out.

I get that technology is amazing, there is no adjective created to gush about it enough, but as a parent I sorta envy when we were all just sitting around the radio listening to music without explicit lyrics… or worshipping from afar the great Hailey Mills.

Answer: Feeling like I’m sitting next to that guy in 6th period, freshman year in high school.

I had the fortunate opportunity to attend the SXSW Interactive Festival this year. Granted, I’ve attended a handful of conferences during my career at Range and the content presented at these has for the most part been pretty solid. They delivered what was laid out, on that one link I visited for 45 seconds as I packed up to head to the airport.  But this conference felt different and in a good way.

I won’t bore you too terribly much with the panels I attended – Go next year and hear for yourself. It really was the ultimate convergence of hair gel, tech smarts, skinny jeans and superfly nerdery.  Sorta like if Austin and Silicon Valley met in Arizona, had too much to drink and produced a love child.

So anyway….panel…..panel….notes….coffee….panel…..free beer….dinner…..bed….repeat. Day 2 I attend one session entitled “Social Media: Defining the Metrics”. Finally, the Holy Grail! I can confidently walk into a client meeting and extol the virtues of Facebook, MySpace et al…with numbers! That means something!

They knew we’d come in droves, they knew and set us up in one of those big ole’ fancy ballrooms. Tons of chairs and hipsters taking their seats, snarking it up on whatever cool thing I’m obviously not cool enough to know about. (I’m getting there though – I promise once I get it all figured out, I’ll report back to you. I know. A large prodigious undertaking and yes, you’re welcome). Maybe four moderators speak and at the onset are primarily focused on explaining how they’ve talked to large corporations and the like and were able to explain the usefulness of this new era of customer/business communication. For the most part I was entertained. However the natives were getting restless.

A conference coup.

One particularly snarky-social-media-metric-seeker suddenly and very abruptly bum rushes the Q/A mic and launches into his dissatisfaction with the current discussion. “Wasn’t this a panel about social media metrics? We’re all here on twitter, and we’re getting pissed.” (Ok, I’m paraphrasing here because it was so jarring to me I couldn’t catch up to astute observer).

Well damn, I thought. I’m not on Twitter, and I don’t really get it. The panel, led by a rather terrible ego-maniac (my least favorite of any conference), responds with exactly what you would expect him to say. This is our panel, we’ll be getting to that, here’s how we’re going to respond. Big Tex taking the proverbial bull by the horn. Way to go!

Then I start seeing a wave of insurrection sweep across the audience. There are coordinated coughing fits, wild gesturing, some abandonment of seats etc…Eventually, I catch on/up that this. is. Twitter.

Twitter: Allowing you the ability to stay connected and in touch with everyone

Or, more accurately from what I’ve just witnessed:

Twitter: Countering the theory of social graciousness and professionalism.

Listen, I realize that the functionality of this can be great, empowering, productive even, but what I saw that day was using technology to act like a brat. “But Daddy, I want it now!!” Lollipop in hand, chocolate smudged on face, belly spilling out over pants, desperate and hungry for whatever it is right this second.

Me – speak in public? After that? Forget about it. Yes, you as the presenter should always be buttoned up and prepared, but don’t you dare be human. Because they’re talking about you and might just let you hear about it.

Next up: Twitter’s Implications & Innovations for the Public Speaker.

We have opinions. Oh do we ever! You should see the internal emails that fly around this place every day. From our home office in Fort Worth to our New York and Utah teams, we love to watch, analyze, effect... and often ridicule... what is going on in this amazing industry.

We also want to share a bit of the Range culture with the world. Just a taste. Not too much. We are still very protective of our special brand of magic. But, for example, did you know that we have a lot of band members at Range? They play in 9 different bands. And these guys are true musicians. You know, the kind that people besides their moms actually pay to see play. We have had 8 babies in the last year and have three more on the way. We have countless number of dogs... usually running underfoot through our meetings.

We are nerds at heart. Funky, cool nerds, but nerds nonetheless. We get passionate about everything from the newest research on consumer trends to the latest Google algorithm changes. We rant about privacy issues and media attitudes. We celebrate new reporting systems and client successes. Bottom line - We love what we do.

So, welcome to our world. And, welcome to the new Range Blog.